I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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