i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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