You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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