So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
