yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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