Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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