fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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