Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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