then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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