well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
