dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize