and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
