i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have already put on my inside pants.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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