OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
