Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
