ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
