I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
