he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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