why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
