in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
