Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
