So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
