wat bout pragnant strippers??
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
