this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
