We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
