someone get that fucking seahorse.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
