You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
