I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
