1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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