OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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