Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
