i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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