I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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