do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
