Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
