You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
