You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
