His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
