so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
