i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
