You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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