I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
