He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
