I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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