He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
