When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize