I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
