I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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