He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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