So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
