my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
