Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
