I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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