Just cropdusted the office
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
