And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
