I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
