So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize