Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
