I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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