not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize