I don't usually arrange sex via text message
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
