I skipped work to stalk him.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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