Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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