I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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