Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Floor bacon is actually really good
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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